happened to the gas in the truck? We got into the truck to pick up my prescription today and no gas. Hubby had made sure it had at least half a tank when the freeze hit three days ago. And, we've only gone one place since. Last night, we went out to pick up a salad he wanted at the deli. I almost had a no spend day, but he wanted it and at this point in his stressful waiting period I wasn't arguing. And, we had half a tank of gas then. Last night, the alarm went off late, but I figured the black cat next door set it off again. But, today the gas tank is empty. Zip. On "E." The only thing we figure is that someone siphoned the gas out last night and set off the alarm. It has gone off several times lately, so I think they've been trying to figure out how much they can do before it goes off. It is usually pretty sensitive. We went down and filled it up. It would have been awful to find it empty in the early wee dark hours and 25 degrees tomorrow. But, we figure we lost at least 30 dollars of gas. We went down and bought some locking caps. We'll put them on tomorrow when we can see better. I guess I'll have to ask the elderly neighbor next door if we can put a light on that side of the garage. There isn't one because that's where her bedrooms are. Sigh, I guess this is better than the vandals that smashed our windshields or messed with the tires. We've also had the neighbor's car stolen. We've had egged cars and scratched paint. Sheesh. Well, it got rid of one of the things on my list for hurricane season. I've always had to put my car in the garage (which right now is full of stuff to work on the house) during hurricane season for the reason that gas is often hard to find or expensive if you've gotten several storms in a row. I've worried that someone would resort to taking what gas they can find...even out of our cars. I wanted to get these caps for awhile. I kept wondering why I seemed to have lost a few gallons lately in the car. I don't drive much in town so I couldn't figure out why my gas seemed to be lower than it should be. There are a bunch of kids renting across the street who have a ton of people coming and going and throwing stuff in the yard at times. Maybe, it isn't even someone from the neighborhood...just passing through as a guest. So, we'll try this. Punched a little hole in my gas budget, though.

We don't do resolutions in January. We set goals for the year. Sometimes, it seems just to survive something with a happy face. This year we were really optimistic. We have DD finishing college and her wedding. And, we have the ton of college debt to make disappear. We spent last year saving because of economic uncertainty and the job layoffs at the plant. This year was debt. Plain and simple. Then.....

Hubby's legs and feet got worse really fast this time. We've got an appointment with the surgeon next week, but I'm pretty sure we'll have the deja vu deal of surgery for the same deal in the same time of year. Actually, our appt. is a week later than two years ago. This is too weird. I think part of our stress comes from hoping that something can be done. One of the docs last time said that he'd be permanently disabled if they didn't relieve the pressure or irritation on his spine. Last time, we knew it was a couple of discs and some bone. I am thinking that the more difficult surgery they decided not to do at the last minute might be in the picture this time. At least we know the doc and have trust in him. However, we know the more difficult surgery takes longer in the hospital and longer to heal with more pain. We don't have that much sick time or vacation time to use and DD's wedding will use some. Maybe, we can work something out.

Then, we got the news that DD's fiance probably won't have a job after June. They aren't getting married for awhile after that, but with her just graduating and him no job....this is getting to be a frustrating first week of the new year. My goals are crashing down all around me.

On another front, we made it under budget for Christmas. I have already started next year's Christmas fund. And, I've finally paid off Windstorm insurance and have started the fund again for next year's. I also owe about 1000 on the truck. I can't wait to see a zero on another line in the budget. Or better yet, remove the thing from it altogether.

I guess this means also that the house repairs are in limbo again. Not only will we need the money for the surgery stuff and deductibles, but Hubby will not be able to do the outside repair stuff that needs to be done. And, with the wedding and final school expenses we won't have money to hire it done. I'm still trudging along on the inside repairs, but maybe I can hire DD's fiance this summer to help me outside......

Dang it, got the gloomies today. I've been working on house cleaning. And done some exercising. That always helps some. But, I've been trying to stay out of the fridge. I've been doing pretty well lately. But, sometimes things just grind to a halt. I would love to just sit and read, but too many things need to be done in too few days. So, I just need to push through just a little. And, maybe tonight I can just let it go. I think part of it might be that I'm trying to be a good little mommie and not stress over DD starting another semester. This time she is off some of her meds and using a very good therapist. So, I guess I just have to stay back and let her run with it. She'll do just fine. I'm just such a mom sometimes.

I have checked on the auto loan and now the payment has gone through. I still haven't deposited the two checks I hold yet. Especially, since I talked to DS and one of the checks is from them. They are having a tough time until he finds a job. DIL's adamant about paying me back, but her paychecks are growing smaller with the increases in gasoline and food. They won't let me give them money, so I will send a couple of packages of diapers for the little one. Maybe that will be okay and will help some. So, I will deposit one check and apply it to the auto loan. This is one time that something ending is really cool.

Maybe I'll go find some chocolate.....

I am missing it. I have been trying to figure out how to get to see my DD before she leaves for the holidays to visit relatives. We always do a bit of shopping or wrapping together. She called excited, but exhausted about some shopping she'd done and was excited that I was going to see her today and we'd do some holiday things and have DIL's birthday a little early. And I had one of those times where something happens and I am awake 24 hours without being able to sleep. I took my meds and even a bit more after hours had gone by. Nothing happening. Everything was done in readiness to go so that wasn't on my mind. In fact, I was all set. Went to bed. Everything normal. Then, poof. I can't really go in this condition, because eventually I'll feel the effects of everything and get nauseated and sleepy and dizzy. Not much fun to be around. So I might as well stay home. And I'm missing the party. I am so bummed this happened again. It has happened a couple of times before in the last year and I guess I need to address it. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for my medication monitoring so I'm going to ask him if he has a clue if this is a medication issue. If not, I don't know what else to do. I got up and read and relaxed and everything I could think of. When Hubby left for the visit, I finally got to sleep for about an hour or so. Now, I am wide awake again. I am so very frustrated because this was pretty much it for seeing DD before the holidays. I am trying not to be nasty to the relatives that sent her a plane ticket.....

I haven't been home much. Got home from visiting with the DGD just in time to get things ready for a visit from inlaws, then another trip to visit the kids with inlaws, then home....It's been a lot of fun, but I've not been home much since August. In between, I've been tracking and getting supplies for storms, paying bills, taking animals to the vet, etc. I tried to get back on track this last week, but I think I blew a fuse in my brain. I went nuts on spending. For three solids days, I spent money. And not on necessities. Some things were in our plans already when we finished painting the rooms, but I did find some good deals and went ahead and spent for it. But, that only accounts for half of the money spent. I finally realized I was out of control and exhausted and stressed. Hubby came home from visiting the DGD for his weeklong vacation, but I had already called and confessed. I don't know why I didn't take additional medicine. Maybe because I was alone for several days and didn't want to be a bit fuzzy. Or maybe I enjoyed the spending WAY too much. Until I realized what was happening. Still, even though I had a tickle in the back of my brain warning me, I still continued till I finally stopped myself. I even left a few bags in the truck until dark so my neighbors wouldn't wonder what the heck I'd been up to with all these bags of stuff. That's sad...but funny. Fortunately, it didn't totally crash our bank account. We'll be okay. But I sure need to work on more strategies to cope when things get a little intense for me. Especially, long term intensity. I haven't set up my budget for this month, and I think that was part of my problem. A budget really strengthens my resolve and keeps a set of goals in my head and a restraint on my pocketbook. I definitely am one person who needs The Budget in my daily life. I'm going to see the therapist today. That is probably a very good thing....

I've been sick.....again. This time a stomach bug. Sheesh. This is the third illness/infection this year. I don't think I've had that many in the last several years combined. There are ups and downs to being ill. On the down side is you feel absolutely lousy. You can't get anything done. You can't eat. If you feel bad enough you are out a co-pay at the doc's and more medicine. However, there is an up side to this. You don't go anywhere. You don't use gas. You don't spend any money. You don't eat up much of your groceries. You cut out all that junk in your diet you've been meaning to throw out. And you get around to reading that good book you've been trying to read. That relaxation you've been trying to get around to having all of a sudden is mandatory. The sleeping in without guilt. And you get charge of the remote for the tv....

okay, I did it. I indulged in a little retail therapy yesterday. Wasn't a good thing because it is the last week on my month and the categories are about depleted. We'd had a great time on Easter--crazy weather, but DD was home for a couple of days and we had fun. Monday was a bit stressful because she had to go to the doc to get her meds changed and readjusted. Symptoms were coming back, and we were stressed because we had to figure out the best combination to try to get back on track. It is such a tricky thing to get the meds right and I could tell she was frustrated. The doc is great about letting her decide what is working for her because she is inside the body. But it is hard to tell what is normal feeling and what is symptoms. For some reason, we had a two hour wait to see him! We had a great lunch afterward with Hubby, and off she went to return to school. Hubby went back to work, and I was in another town with a little time. I went to the bookstore.....

I need to answer a couple of questions I found on my blog. Sorry that it took me so long. I think baselle asked about why Hubby couldn't write over a $25 check. I sure was confusing, wasn't I? It is because he can't spend money. And paying bills while I'm out of town about does him in. He can spend on gifts for others really easily, but everything else is hard. So I had to write the check returning his extra money to old company. He couldn't have done it very easily.

Sunshine Suz: My memory is like a sieve these days, but the thing I think I was referring to is in a little town between the Louisiana border and Houston off interstate 10. The little town is called Winnie and I checked the website to see which weekend it is, since I haven't been there in a long while. It said it is held the weekend after the first Monday of the month. It is called the Old Time Trade Days or something like that. On over twenty acres of land. There is another thing between Houston and Austin, but I can't remember how far and I've never been. I just remember there being LOTS of cars trying to get in. The one in Winnie was easy to get in and park, had refreshments and was really interesting. Course it might have had hurricane damage. But I enjoyed it. Was funny to see DD's school principal selling things one time we went. Small world!

Hubby is out of town today. I'm eating leftovers, staying home, and staying out of the stores.

Hubby has called and tried to back out of something I really needed him to help me with today. It was a big deal to me. I knew that he still didn't feel well, and I tried my best to get him to slow down and not save the world the first week back to work. He didn't listen. I let it ride. Now, he's bailing on me. Work came first, I guess. Now, I know it is important, but this isn't the first time and won't be the last that I've felt less important than the job. Most of the time, I understand. But sheesh! Sometimes, I get tired of doing these things alone. This time I've insisted. But I know he doesn't feel well and that makes me feel bad, too. I'm going to feel awful about this either way. And it was supposed to be a happy thing.....

Went to therapy yesterday and it was great. Had an interesting question posed to me. Who is your favorite character in the old Star Trek series? I thought about it for a bit and realized that my favorite was the doctor. Dry humored, helpful, knowledgeable....Seems that correlates. The doctor was always around, helping out. Supporting. Jumping in when he could help. Never really taking charge, but an important part of the group. And he always had a not take it seriously sort of quip in there. I guess it is supposed to describe characteristics in yourself. I asked Hubby who his favorite was. He is a Scotty. A go to, fix it guy. With a sense of humor. What an interesting idea! I loved the exercise....so who is your favorite and why?

Poor DD. She called to ask if I'd look up one of her classes to find the room number because she accidently left her purse at her home. She also missed a class yesterday because she got the time wrong and sat outside of it while it was going on. She said she is losing her mind. She's taking a lot more hours than she has tackled before and I'm proud of her. She has a lot of the same disorders I do and has been through a lot. Now, she is on new medicine and we're seeing how things go. I keep trying to tell myself these are normal things that college students go through, but I am hypervigilant when it comes to her. Now she is on campus until late without any money for food, no id, no nothing. I could call my DS to go help her out since he lives there, too, but she can do this. Sometimes, I can handle these things calmly and rationally. Sometimes, I don't. I try not to let her know, because she doesn't want to set me off. This time I reached out. I called my Hubby to talk me off the ledge of freaking out. I'm glad I was able to get him on the phone. I am going to do the schedule I had set for today. I am NOT going to go spend money. I don't usually take my additional medicine because I don't want to drive after, but today I might try that option. I can do that after my errands. We are a work in progress here. Recognizing normal problems and normal reactions is the hard part. Whatever normal means.....

The therapist called this morning and she had a sick child. Understandable with the weather being so crazy. Cold today and then warming back up by the end of the weekend. Anyway, I rescheduled for Tuesday. It will give me time to coordinate my random notes into something cohesive. It cracks her up when I bring my notes and lists. She says no one comes with an agenda! I often have a list of things I want to learn or accomplish or understand. It's a good sign--I can THINK again. For so long, my brain function was so limited. For those who wondered, I have dysthymia (a low-grade depression disorder--medicated), mild OCD (not like Monk--I am not spotless--I do other things, but have learned how to overcome a lot of them, wonder if my medication works on that...hmmm), severe panic disorder (medication--thank goodness, got tired of nearly passing out in movies, restaurants, grocery stores, driving the car, etc., now I just get a little anxious in crowds but nothing serious), and a mild form of bipolar (non medicated--managed). Overall, I am doing great. The panic disorder really kicked in after the birth of DD. My body chemistry was so out of whack that I couldn't regulate my temperature well, and don't get me started on the wacky hormones. I remember really getting scared when I realized I had gone from a mostly "A" college student to not understanding how to turn on a copy machine while volunteering at a school. And they had just showed me how. I would be driving somewhere and not remember how I got there. I couldn't find my way home a couple of times. But I made it through. Some terrific people recognized what was happening and stepped up to help me. I've been told that bipolars are really creative. Many composers, artists, writers, and statesmen have had some of these things. So I'm in good company.

Probably too much information that you didn't want to hear. But I wanted to thank all of you for the support! It can be a lonely road. I've known several others in my lifetime that had to keep their stuff hidden cos of employers, family, etc. I am fortunate that I can share. Like those who helped me, I want to encourage others who are hurting and don't know why. I am in a priviledged position in that I can do this without reprocussions. Thanks again to this community of great people....

My house-- and-- me. I have been struggling a lot this last year. Didn't know where it was coming from. The docs were worried about a major depression and were going to up my medicine. But I had some really great leaps forward this year and wanted to wait and monitor myself closely. I go to see the docs again in a couple of weeks. Trying to understand what is happening now, I had a lightbulb moment. I sat down and wrote (well I paced about and then wrote) all I could think of connected to the idea. I think I could be on to something. I think my problem now is knowing how to deal with emotional issues. I feel things really deeply. I had blocked a lot of emotional stuff while I was undiagnosed and unmedicated, so now I have to learn to handle my deep emotions without caving in. I've been so busy raising kids and stuff that I had the didn't see the forest for the trees sort of thing. So I decided to call my therapist. I haven't been in two or three years, so I hoped that I could still be in her system. Got an appointment for tomorrow. I'm excited. I hope that this will be a turning point. Just like being here has been a turning point for my financial situation. She can teach me skills that I haven't learned yet. Or at least help me better understand the process. I don't want to go back to not feeling things except anxiety. I don't want to change who I am, just better understand how to live with myself. Some of my disorders are medicated and some are managed. So far, so good. I like who I am, I just don't always understand how to live with who I am. This might be the next step. Knowledge is powerful. And helpful. It is a journey.

I saw a sign on a church on a trip: Keep going--even the snail made it to the ark.

I'm going to get up and clean house and prepare to meet this new challenge.....